It's nearly four in the morning on what once was Wednesday night. I can't sleep due to the thoughts that refuse to settle down for the rest of the night. And since I'm away from my usual set up and can't be bothered with launching Dreamweaver on my own site.. here I am, posting on tblog in the middle of the quiet, still night. It's been a while since I've been in this situation. I'm looking around and realizing I don't miss it much. Life was so different when I needed this kind of outlet and wasn't able to sleep. (needed being the operative word here)

So what brings me around at this time? It would be easy to say September 11th, but that's the lazy person's excuse. I've got a meeting at my daughter's school first thing Friday morning and September 11th will be indirectly mentioned, though it's not the focus of my thoughts.

Media saturation. Promoting propaganda in a public middle school. Showing snuff footage to eleven and twelve year olds. Those are my topics. And I'll be addressing them directly to the principal of the school, unbeknownst to him or his staff and quite caught off guard, I imagine. Given that, I am likely to meet with much resistence, to encounter individuals questioning my sanity and ideals and in all likelihood, this principal will try to regain control of the meeting by dismissing the topic for a more appropriate time. I can't imagine a more appropriate time than right now.. at four in the morning, as I'm sitting here unable to sleep. But a meeting designed to discuss my daughter's educational plan will do almost as well.

The principal, counsellor, resource teacher and other administrators will likely categorize me as an over protective mother, or perhaps a control freak. I'm the first one to say I wear both. Of course, the intent involved in these labels is caring and guidance, something sorely lacking in many of the children I see every morning in this middle school. But I doubt such sentiments will be in the minds of the individuals feeling attacked come Friday morning.

I've already written in my more private journal about my experience this past Monday, when my daughter and I approached the middle school a few seconds after the bell rang. The American national anthem came on, so we stood still out of respect for American custom, as opposed to patriotism. We then entered the school and were asked over the speaker system to observe a minute of silence, which I believe happens every morning, but on this particular morning, it was given a specific purpose: to honor the victims of the World Trade Center from September 11th of 2001.

It was in that moment that my struggle began. I was angry. I wanted to walk defiantly into the office and go about my business. I wanted to show my daughter how a free-thinking individual handles bold-faced attempts to corral through fear at the hands of a rogue administration. I also wanted to keep my daughter respecting authority until she was older and in a better place to pick and choose when she conforms and when she speaks out. I wanted to set the example and.. I wanted to.. set the example. I stood there, finding my freedom in the moment, defiantly thinking of ways to positively impact that day, a day of living. A day that had nothing to do with terrorist attacks or crushing buildings, save the multitude of promotional media blurbs, keeping the fires burning, keeping the soul reeling, keeping the fear alive.

Fast forward to Monday evening. I came home to a short story about the September 11th, 2001 footage played in class, in every class in the school. My reaction was tempered, something along the lines of, 'How nice of them to provide that for us against our will. I guess the minute of silent observance wasn't quite enough.' I said it tongue-in-cheek of course. And we proceded to homework, dinner and bedtime.

When Devon and I found a few minutes on our own that evening, Devon.. detonated in quiet fashion, like only Devon can do. He expressed his outrage and went quite thoroughly down the list.. inappropriate material, lack of tv in our lives makes us more sensitive to the imagry, what business is it of the school to play this kind of footage, to introduce something so violent into their lives, their perspectives, what rating was the footage, why weren't the parents notified beforehand, etc. I was right there with him, but strangely, I was calmer. As Devon stated unequivocally his intentions to discuss this situation during the upcoming meeting, I expressed concern over whether it was the right time and place. I was thinking that the immediate goal of the meeting was to get help for my daughter in handling her classes and modifying the curriculum where appropriate. I knew that broaching our displeasure over the video would put a mood on the meeting and maybe even cast us in an unfavorable light, impacting how helpful the teachers chose to be in educating our daughter outside of the mainstream methods.

This is still on my mind. But while discussing this with Devon, it made sense that a meeting designed to discuss my daughter's education is certainly an appropriate place to bring up the propriety of the administration's decisions. Sending them a letter after the fact will only suffice in allowing the principal to craft a response designed to sweep the incident under the rug, so to speak - to make it go away - to offer damage control. A genuine answer and accountability will be more successful, sadly, with the element of surprise. I imagine some educational administrators might strongly disagree, but then, of course they would, as they have something to lose in the situation. We're talking about eleven and twelve year olds, not teenagers. I trust educators to sort out real education from propaganda, and they failed one hundred percent in this case. So, I'm going forward with this.

That I'm awake and thinking about this meeting two days before it is to take place speaks for my level of anxiety. I do not fear their opinion of me, but rather, the subtle ways that their irritation may manifest itself in their educating of my daughter. A school administrator would like to think that a child's education is at the top of their priority list, unfettered by prejudices, but alas, I have proof that it's not. Not in this case. Playing graphic footage from September 11th, 2001 doesn't fall within the realm of providing a safe, positive educational environment, no matter how you spin it. They have shown that they are incapable of sorting education from propaganda. And this from supposed academia.

Yep. I'm going to head in to that meeting with a powder keg. Well, two. Devon's coming. It may backfire, but I refuse to stay quiet. That's what George would want me to do, and after all, we have him to thank for the fear that grips this nation.